Saturday, October 17, 2009

the sun sets every day


the whirlwind begins.
a quick pitter patter of your heart.
that's the fist sign of the sickness.
then he floods your thoughts,
your memories,
your days and your nights.
he consumes your being like the plague.
he owns every inch of you.
he somehow becomes the last beam of sunlight you see setting over the horizon.
he gives you hope that a new day may come,
that tomorrow may bring an eve more radiant sunset.
but then, he disappears.
he retreats to a warmer side of the world...
like the empty side of her bed,
or the passenger seat of her car.
and just like the sun left, dipping under the horizon,
you are alone again.
left to face the never ending, freezing night.
and all you can think about is how he will leave you again tomorrow.
but it seems worth it to feel the warmth of just one more day.

Monday, July 27, 2009

its hot and humid here. . .

I can't exactly explain where I am in this universe right now. I know I am physically in Nashville, Tennessee. But other parts of me feel like they were left all over the country. A bit of me in San Marcos, a bit in Las Vegas. Some parts at the bar from nights past. It doesn't really matter where all these parts of me are, what matters is that most days I feel pretty incomplete.

I love this city. The weather is a bit awful right now, but there's something refreshing about the imperfection of it. It just reminds me of my own personality. Uncomfortable. Unpredictable. It can be sunny one minute and then start storming uncontrollably the next. And while I tend to stay relatively level on the outside, I think I do have that inner storming sense far too often to be considered sane.

Lately, I have been having a stupid battle on the inside with myself. Want versus need. Actually it's more like want version 1 versus want version 2. I can't find the words or the way to make this work the way I want it to. It's time to put it to rest, but I can't find the will to bury it. Maybe I'll torture myself some more by putting myself in the worst situations for my own mental health.

I don't ever want to leave. I'd like to throw my plane ticket into a furnace and watch it burn. Find a job out here and sleep on the floor until I can put myself on my own two feet. Can I get a re-do on me?