I can't exactly explain where I am in this universe right now. I know I am physically in Nashville, Tennessee. But other parts of me feel like they were left all over the country. A bit of me in San Marcos, a bit in Las Vegas. Some parts at the bar from nights past. It doesn't really matter where all these parts of me are, what matters is that most days I feel pretty incomplete.
I love this city. The weather is a bit awful right now, but there's something refreshing about the imperfection of it. It just reminds me of my own personality. Uncomfortable. Unpredictable. It can be sunny one minute and then start storming uncontrollably the next. And while I tend to stay relatively level on the outside, I think I do have that inner storming sense far too often to be considered sane.
Lately, I have been having a stupid battle on the inside with myself. Want versus need. Actually it's more like want version 1 versus want version 2. I can't find the words or the way to make this work the way I want it to. It's time to put it to rest, but I can't find the will to bury it. Maybe I'll torture myself some more by putting myself in the worst situations for my own mental health.
I don't ever want to leave. I'd like to throw my plane ticket into a furnace and watch it burn. Find a job out here and sleep on the floor until I can put myself on my own two feet. Can I get a re-do on me?
